The Power of the Mind
There is no question, fantasies that forecast the future and memories that fish the past have the potential to profoundly influence how we feel and act in the present. The following examples aim to shed light on the fluid nature of one’s current reality. (Defining “fluid”: a substance that has no fixed shape and yields easily to external pressure.)
Each example presents two scenarios:
Example 1:
- Imagine that it’s a late October evening and you’re hanging out with friends playing truth or dare. You choose dare. Your friends whisper and snicker as they craft your challenge, finally presenting to you that your dare is to go outside in the freezing cold… in your bathing suit! You slip on your swimwear and only after a full five minutes of psyching yourself up, you push open the front door and make the brave step out. You would likely feel the temperature hit, identify it as cold, and tense up. Your shoulders would scrunch and mentally you’d fixate on the discomfort. You would be in a state of distress.
- Imagine now that it’s a late October evening, this time, you’re attending a gathering at your friend’s cottage. You hear the group call for you to join them in the hot tub. Sporting only your bathing suit you exit the house to make the relatively long trek down the hill to meet them for a very welcomed, warm bath. Walking at night, in the fall, with so much bare skin exposed you’d surely feel the temperature. You’d note that it was cold, but it likely wouldn’t affect your actions in the same way it did in scenario one. In anticipation of the hot tub your body would remain fairly relaxed. You might even walk tall. To an onlooker, There would be no apparent discomfort.
The external, physical setting in scenario one and two do not differ. It’s the same body, in the same temperature, for the same amount of time. The set for both these scenes has been built to match, the only difference – a thought about the future. The prospect of relief from the hot tub did not change the air temperature, but has the mind, and therefore the body, responding differently.
Example 2:
- Imagine that you’re sitting in your living room alone. This means that beloved family member X is not in your physical presence. They have left for a cruise vacation and aren’t even contactable at this time. You catch a glimpse of them in a framed photo on the mantle and think of them fondly. In this moment, you’d likely be content. The absence of this person wouldn’t greatly impact your feelings.
- Imagine now, that you are sitting in your living room alone. Beloved family member X is not in your physical presence, this time however, it’s because they have passed away several months prior. You catch a glimpse of them in a framed photo on the mantle. You’d likely be sorrowful. You’d be all-consumed in thoughts of how this person won’t be involved in your future. Your current state would be sadness and despair.
The external inputs for scenario one and two do not differ. This is the same person in the same room with the same lack of company. These sets have been built identically, and yet because of the dissimilar internal dialogue, they play out entirely differently. In one, an onlooker would observe a person at peace on the couch, maybe even perusing a magazine. In the other, they might see someone collapsed in tears on the carpet.
Example 3:
- Imagine that you’re walking home from a long day at work. There are hunger pangs in your stomach. You’d likely identify them as bad; you’d feel uncomfortable, maybe annoyed and stressed. There would be anxiety as your thoughts would strain over the decision of what you’ll have to cook upon arriving home; they’d pain over the idea of having to make anything at all.
- Imagine now that you’re walking home from a long day at work, this time, with an order of takeout in your hands. There are hunger pangs in your stomach. You’d feel them, but likely wouldn’t be bothered. You’d be accepting, maybe even relaxed and excited. You’d identify the hunger as good. You’d savor the experience of the pangs and appreciate how your strong appetite will welcome your takeout once you get home.
These scenarios are twin physical experiences. The same hungry stomach walks the same route home after the same long day at work. The set has been replicated. In the second scenario however, there is an expectation of being sated in a sooner future moment than in the first. This changes how the hunger is interpreted and thus what dominates the emotional state.
Example 4:
- Imagine that you’re part of a Weight Watchers group. You started at 160 lbs and today you’re going in for a weigh-in. You get on the scale and it reads “140”. You’d likely be thrilled to have hit this number. All day you’d be in good spirits. You’d feel confident and be inspired to don your favorite attire all week.
- Imagine now that at the following weigh-in you see that you’re down to 130. Woohoo! A few weeks later you arrive for your third weigh-in. You step on the scale and today it reads “140”. You have gained 10 pounds! You’d likely be devastated. Your spirits would be down the whole rest of the day. Self-conscious, all week you’d dress in large sweaters to hide your body.
In both scenario one and two the same body exits the same clinic at the same weight. The set for both days are identical, but the way it plays out is drastically different. One stars a happy, confident, 140 lb character; and the other, a sad, shy, 140 lb character. The only difference between these two days – a thought about the past. There is a comparison to a previous-self, an assessment of being better or worse than, and a conclusion that has a dramatic impact on the present feeling state.
What Can We Learn from These Examples?
All feelings and ways of being are accessible in the present moment. Our mood is not inherent to our situation and we are often not reacting to our surroundings but to the thoughts in our head regarding what has come before and what has yet to be. The takeaways:
- A. We can be empowered in knowing that our mood doesn’t have to be victim to our life circumstance.
- B. Proceed with caution and awareness – Careful in how we allow ourselves to be influenced by our thoughts.
A. In each set of scenes we were shown how varied one may act given the same external circumstance, but differing past and future stories.
If our stories dictate our emotional and physical state, and our stories can be rewritten, wouldn’t we want to author them ourselves? Are you the creator of your thoughts, or is much of what you spin a parroting of others’ opinions?
If our stories dictate our emotional and physical state, and our stories can be rewritten, ideally, wouldn’t we want to leave a page blank for this moment? Wouldn’t we want to put down the book long enough to spy the field of daisies beyond the brim of our binding to which we’ve felt bound?
B.
Much of the time we are unknowingly suffering by the hand of our thoughts. Often, these thoughts are not even a pure processing of the present, rather, they are injections of past and future moments. They offer comparisons and possibilities that adulterate our experience of the now. One way to find freedom from these thoughts is to remind ourselves of their hollow nature.
B. i) Looking Forward
Keep in mind that there is no future fantasy that is guaranteed to materialize. Our body may be relaxed as we feel security in the anticipation of upcoming relief, however this security is an illusion. That hot tub we’re walking tall towards, when we arrive, we may find that it’s actually broken.
Walking home our body may be tight as we anticipate the upcoming task of having to make dinner. However, this idea about a what a future moment may look like is just something we’ve concocted. Our hungry-self may actually arrive home to find a warm casserole on the counter. Looks like our spouse had prepared extra with us in mind! All that worry for nothing.
B. ii) Looking Back
Memories are illusions as well. It is not possible to retain a remembrance of EVERY single aspect of an experience, and none of what we do recall is truly objective. Also to note, these memories often arise as opportunities of comparison for the present. However, too many factors vary between then and now. From time and place we have access to different resources and are subject to different influences. Therefore, no fair comparison exists, rendering any effort to do so as futile.
B. iii) Looking Now
When we stop and analyze our thought patterns around the past and future we can easily see how silly they are. We know practically that they are not real. Anything that isn’t this moment, exists entirely in our head as a mere thought-form. It is an interpretation or an imaginative depiction of an event.
To investigate one level deeper, I’d like to expose the vacancy of our present-time thoughts as well.
- “That person doesn’t like me…”
- “I’m so talented!”
- “I don’t deserve this gift…”
- “There is something wrong with me…”
Even regarding current events, we have a habit of creating stories and believing them to be true. We end up fabricating much of our reality.
In Conclusion: What does this all mean?
- Reality is not objective.
There are infinite angles from which a single scenario can be viewed. To come closer to truth we must do the work to mitigate our inborn bias and to grow the diameter of our perspective.
To do so we may choose to focus on:
1. The observation and investigation of our thoughts.
2. Entertaining and honoring the thoughts of others.
3. Letting go of all thoughts.
4. A meditative mind will leads us to the only truth in existence – the present moment. - There is choice with how we respond to our circumstances.
Often we think we are reacting to our circumstance, but really, we are reacting to a thought about our circumstance. At any given time we have access a multitude if thoughts and emotions. Example one through four demonstrate the malleable nature of our mind and how we continue to subject ourselves to our memories and fantasies. In B. iii) we look at examples of more present-oriented thoughts and see how though these too can be false, in the absence awareness, they can still illicit corresponding emotions.
If we can remember the true, hollow nature of our thoughts we free ourselves from their rollercoaster and return to ground ourselves in the equanimity of the present moment.
✪ Like this post? You may also enjoy Future Unknowns or Missing the Past.
Read MoreNature
😍Nature’s always right there just waiting to take your breath away🌛✨
Eyes to drink it in and I feel its presence as a joy in my chest that oozes its way out through my grin.
I can’t contain it… because it’s too big to contain.
It’s a joy that celebrates the artistry of The Divine; the preciousness of this moment and the blessed connection I have with YOU.
For I am you and you are me and we are this sunset. We are the purple and the gold and the spectrum in between. We are the mysterious silhouette, the radiant glow and how they juxtapose. We are the calm in the collection of drops suspended above and the ardor in the army below.
WE ARE THIS SUNSET
and aren’t we exquisite?!
✪ Like this post? You may also enjoy Flora.
Read MoreNegativity
We’ve all felt some version of depression. And, it’s okay, it’s part of life to have ups and downs. It’s part of life to have passion and motivation that waxes and wanes. The trouble is when we settle in a place of apathy and negativity and then root ourselves there.
The trouble is when our stories eclipse the truth of our reality. One can be sad without the drama of judgement and fear. This drama is a the roller coaster that is neither healthy nor sustainable.
Self-care is all about building a foundation that can support us through these difficult times. If we aren’t practicing healthy habits and proceeding with a positive outlook, we set ourselves up for real suffering. How are you taking care of yourself?
Going to yoga; growing friendships; eating healthy; choosing not to intake toxins like cigarets, alcohol and processed food; painting, playing in the ocean, prayer, talk therapy with a focus on healing old wounds; listening to music; finding things that make you laugh; gardening; reflecting on gratitudes; dancing; journaling… these are all examples of ways we can nurture our being.
All the things you do to address the elements of wellness in your life, these are all the things that strengthen your foundation & decorate your home into it’s fullest beauty.
I say that your life is like your home in the sense that you are responsible for its blueprint and its maintenance. Granted it’s work, but in this you’re also gifted the opportunity to create — to play in the design of it and craft this house into the most fabulous piece of art!
So be sure to avoid the passive route, because nothing gets built & nothing gets maintained.
And two, avoid the negative route, because that toxicity corrodes strength & tarnishes the beauty of life.
For more on this topic, watch “Living with Depression and Negativity”.
“…When I’m depressed I just take a long nap cause normally there ain’t much around to keep me company but I don’t blame my male friends cause I find it difficult to share my problems and the cause of depression with guys…
Meantime I have a question like ain’t getting over depression like running away from it like you try to divert your mind towards something else to get over it. Ugh this thing really confuses me…” – SD
I appreciate your honesty. I’m sorry you don’t have the support you are looking for right now. On that point I would invite you to try out being a little more vulnerable with some of these friends. Perhaps they are in the same boat you are — desperate for support and genuine connection. (We are all human remember!) It might open open the door for them to share some of what’s been hard for THEM lately. OR, they also might not be ready for that kind of intimacy and that’s okay. I’ve found for myself though, that the more authentic and vulnerable I am, I start to attract those same kinds of people into my life.
This is a great question regarding: getting over depression, is it like running away from it? It makes sense that there’d be confusion around it because there is a fine line here…
Sometimes we feel low, in need of rest and perhaps sad – these are simply the emotions that have drifted our way. To not run away is to BE WITH THEM in acceptance and non-judgement. “Okay I feel blue today, isn’t that interesting. I’m just going to take it easy.”
AND SOMETIMES what we are experiencing as depression is just a conjure of feelings that stem from the untruths we tell ourselves. “I failed at my job, I’m useless… I’m ugly and I’ll never find a partner… I’ll never be successful… I suck at life… The world is an evil place… I’m broken… Grrrr….”
We can then get into a habit of mental thinking and daily rituals that further fuel these false stories. We’ve now repeated them for so many years that we couldn’t even guess at their genesis. What we’ve done is create an identity for ourselves and a seemingly solid reality of our life.
I’m not a supporter of running away by any means.
Sometimes what we do need to do is STEP AWAY from our THOUGHTS. This brings us into the present moment where we can truly honor what’s going on. Stepping out of these thought patterns also empowers us to direct our life in the way we’d like, rather than just being a victim of our depression. When we come to the present we come to a place of choice. We can choose negativity or we can choose gratitude; we can choose pessimism or we can choose trust; we can choose resistance or acceptance.
This message is also what is behind my “15 Ways to Get Out of a Rut” video.
_____________________
“Sometimes depression isn’t about ‘not doing enough to pull yourself out of it’. You speak a lot of balance and I love it. We as humans can be grateful AND sad. Wellness and depression both exist. Self care gets really shaky when depression gets terrible.” – Sage
Thanks for that input Sage. I do agree, sometimes depression JUST IS. It’s a cloud that just is. What I think is common for a number of us, is that the cloud has either been self-created or there is a negativity by which we judge the cloud – rather than just being with it, observing it, and maybe even finding gratitude for the shade.
It’s not always as simple as “pulling oneself out of it,” but while we are in it, it’s important for us to ask:
How are we judging ourselves? What is our internal dialogue around life?
I want us to come back to our power! I want us to remember that our interpretation of life and therefore our experience, is within our control.
Read MoreMissing the Past
Simply put, we all want to feel good. Depending on where our balance lies, feeling good will mean accessing different resources at different times. In one moment or another we may be in search of comfort, joy, connection, stimulation, rest, inspiration, purpose or safety, for example.
If we aren’t in this present state of feeling satisfied, we can catch ourselves not present at all, but rather off in a past or future fantasy world.
We think back to a time we once felt fulfillment, and want for it.
“College, those were the good old days!”
“I remember my job as a summer camp counsellor, that was the best!”
“That vacation to Europe last year was absolute bliss.”
“I was so happy with my last partner.”
We put the highlight reel on repeat and in missing that experience we start to wonder…
“Maybe I should go back to school.”
“Maybe I should get that job back.”
“Maybe I should move there.”
“Maybe we should get back together.”
We project our rosy past onto our blank future and imagine an effortless replication of that experience.
Certainly, there are going to be times when it’s appropriate to return to a previous relationship, environment or occupation, but more often then not we are forgetting that there was a valid reason that that chapter ended — a reason which may still be relevant.
“You can never visit the same place twice.” – Maureen Johnson
In making return trips I’ve often found that the place, person or thing I was visiting had changed, or simply that I had changed and would now be looking at it through a new lens. There was no recreation to be had.
From Destructive Distraction to Helpful Tool
None of this is to say that to miss the past is “bad” or that it is a waste of time. In fact, if we know how to work with it, it can be incredibly useful!
There is a reason the mind wanders. It does so, in part out of habit, and in part because it’s seeking. If the mind is repeatedly conjuring up a particular memory from the past, this can reveal to us what may be lacking in our current situation.
Though it may be painful, to recognize the presence of emptiness in one’s life is invaluable information!
Our mind identifies a problem and in search of a solution, roams in fantasy. We roam also to escape from the dissatisfaction of the present moment. This is when we can loose ourselves in memories. It becomes a productive exercise though, when we are able to find ourselves in them. If we are thoughtful and inquisitive, this otherwise passive daydream can be utilized to our advantage.
To forage fruit from your trips down memory lane, follow these 3 steps:
1. Observation
2. Deliberate Exploration
3. Dissection, Extraction & Pursuit
Observation
→ Which memories continue to arise?
Deliberate Exploration
→ When I fully immerse myself in that world, how do I feel?
Dissection, Extraction & Pursuit
→ What needs were being met at that time?
→ Which of these needs are not being met in my present life situation?
→ Where might I get these needs met?
The honest question to ask oneself is:
Do I really miss that situation, or do I miss what it provided for me?
It’s useful to catch oneself in moments of nostalgia because we can work to pinpoint exactly which needs were being fulfilled at the time we are dreaming back to. These give insight to one’s deep desires for the present, thus providing a direction for the future.
Examples:
😩 I miss college! → Or, do you miss the community, the autonomy, the mental challenge of creative projects, the gregariousness, the motivation from peers, the mentorship from elders, the stimulation of new surroundings?
😩 I miss being a camp counsellor! → Or, do you miss the time in nature, the physically demanding activities, the playful environment, the comradery of likeminded individuals, the sense of belonging, the structure of a schedule, the purposeful work?
😩 I miss my last vacation! → Or, do you miss the excitement of being in a new place, the sense of freedom, the exposure to art & entertainment, the quiet time for contemplation; the opportunity for relaxation, the nourishing food, the social engagement?
😩 I miss my last partner! → Or, do you miss the companionship, the support, the caring touch, the feeling of being heard, the sense of harmony, the physical intimacy?
More often than not we walk around in agony, thinking that we don’t know what we want. It is this first step of identifying our deep desires that seems to be the hardest one. The asking for it/the going after it is the easy part. Once we know our direction we can move forward, if we don’t, we may feel stuck or at wander.
Moving Forward
Note that, to truly move forward, we must shed any attachments to the people/places/things that we have cast as stars in these memories.
For instance, if I wasn’t able to accept my last relationship as over, if I still clung to the dreamy version of it, I might run back to that partner. We might reunite and although I may not be content, I may attempt to convince myself of otherwise in an effort to play out my fantasy. I might try and “make it work,” forcing a square peg in a round hole. In this, l’d likely end up exhausted and yet still unfulfilled…
However, if I were to understand that it’s not that relationship I’m missing, it’s what it provided me with, I could step back into my power. I could seek out different ways of getting my needs met. For instance, finding companionship though more time with friends, finding physical touch though professional massage and finding support through talk therapy. I could then let go of this relationship which would open me up to receive the infinite number of new & unexpected experiences that are coming my way. (Ie. A different partner, a job opportunity, inspiration for a personal creative project etc.)
Looking Back
Memories poke their head out the past because they want our attention. There is a part of us that keeps them alive because they serve. Even beyond what has been discussed, they are helping us in a multitude of other ways…
A 90 year old man may recall the thrilling time he went skydiving. He may not have the desire or ability to parachute up again, but the courage it took to do so will remain a part of him forever. Though it may play out in different ways these days, that bravery has been stored within, so he can tap into and draw upon it at any time. Memories are what help keep character traits alive in oneself.
Similarly, we remember times we are less proud of, like that evening the mother who was so run-down, yelled at her kids. These memories are also here to serve. Though they are painful, they remain a part of us because in retrieving them we are able to relate to others. We may see someone out in public who is shouting angrily at the store clerk and label them as a jerk; or we may have someone act in anger towards us and react by taking it personally. However, when we employ our memory and access that time we felt a frustration that manifested itself as yelling at our children, we can better understand the complex experience of that other angry person. It is this empathy that cuts through judgement and allows for compassion and connection.
In Conclusion
- Our memories are not here to hold us back but to guide us forward. With this knowledge we can appreciate the events of our lives, learn from them, and move on with confidence. Though it is natural to embed a particular feeling in an experience, we no longer have to feel shackled to such person, place or thing in order to access this feeling. In directing ourselves to new resources we regain our freedom and our power.
- Our memories are not here to hold us back but to hold us up, and to hold us accountable. They keep us in touch with the array of character qualities we have experimented with in this life. They keep us humble, they keep us human and thus, they keep us connected.
✪ Like this post? You may also enjoy Future Unknowns, Friendship or Guilt.
Read MoreFlora
🐚🔮🦄🦋🦎🐠✨
Flora & fauna help me to remember the REAL world that I’m a part of.
🌜🌎🌛
This is the mysterious, the magical, the majestic jade vine… Its presence, an inspiration.
🌲🌴🍁🌹🌷
ON a schedule; UNDER endless pressure; IN our cubicles; DOWN at our phones; it’s easy to loose touch. We forget our spirit-self, our playfulness & our power. We feel tired, sick and ultimately unfulfilled.
😓😩😢
But then there is always nature. When we are ready to ground back into truth, nature is here to remind us of our divinity, of our resiliency and of the art that life can be.
✨🌱🎨🌟🌈🙏🏼
✪ Like this post? You may also enjoy Costa Rica, The Tropics or Living.
Read MoreAuthenticity
One of the hardest things to accept in this human life is the ever-changing nature of our selves.
We try our best to hold on to, to grasp a little tighter at, to pin down a version of us that felt good, one that warranted approval. We want to maintain our summer glow, our youthful energy, our athletic physique, our confident attitude, our sharp mind, our tenacious spirit…
But it’s all elusive & mysterious because just as we may come into appreciation or even simple awareness, it seems to slip through our fingers.
So, although each day can be an opportunity for growth & renewal, each day can also be a reminder of what no longer is. Here we mourn old traits & abilities. Here we must put to rest our ideas of who we think we are.
We may tell ourselves, “Compared to what I once was, I’m not so hot right now. I’m going to wait to start this new job/relationship/project until I’m able to recollect myself — until I’m back to being my best self. Currently it feels like I’m not living to my fullest potential. I’m not strong enough / attractive enough / organized enough to open myself to the world right now.”
This is a snare many of us get stuck in. We wait. We wait on the sidelines with a timidness and a false belief that what we have to offer right now is not enough.
(To note: If a rest period is what you need at this time, then it’s what you need! This is not only allowed, but encouraged – so long as you are taking it deliberately. The trap we want to avoid is becoming passive to this life. And It’s this erroneous idea, that “as we are, we are not enough,” that lures us here.)
The beautiful thing is that your best self doesn’t lie in your strongest self, your most wrinkle free self, your hardest working self, your most jovial self, your skinniest self, your most confident self, or your most organized self. You don’t have to be collected & composed to be your best self because your best self is your most authentic self. The beautiful thing is that you have access to this self on a moment to moment basis.
What does this even mean, “my most authentic self”?🤔 To me it means, to speak one’s truth & to follow one’s heart. (I do understand that this may sound too hippy-dippy to think about how to incorporate it in a real way.)
So, if you are questioning your authenticity, it might be helpful to have a conversation with yourself, asking honestly:
1. Am I experiencing freedom of expression? (What is in charge of the volume and content of my speech on a day-to-day basis? And, in my more personal life, am I allowing my inner artist to have full reign of their canvas?) Where do I find my actions to be stifled and/or where do I find them to be fake?
2. Am I living this life for me? (Or, was my decision to live here/work here/dress this way/marry this person/eat this diet/follow this religion, etc., was it made to appease another? What would I choose if I felt truly free from familial and societal pressure?
3. Do I allow myself to show up just as I am? When I drop into observation of my state, have I been practicing acceptance without judgement? Or, is it that I label my thoughts/emotions as bad and then try to cover them up?
For instance, “I feel down today but I have to attend this party… I want to reject this depression because I think of it as ugly – I don’t like seeing it in myself and I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to share it with others. Additionally, I don’t believe that depressed-me will have anything to offer. My options are to A. Coat my facade in smiles & attend the gathering B. Stay home and feel bad about feeling bad.
Allowing yourself to show up as you are, would be to entertain the remaining options. C. To attend the party while still honoring your mood by removing any pressure to be explicitly engaging or contributory, perhaps even sharing that you are feeling low, D. To rest at home in the company of your mood, the only rule, to refrain from making any classifications of it as good or bad.)
Why is it important to act from a place of authenticity?
We could go in depth about the the social, spiritual, physiological & psychological benefits, but I think the answer would be most easily explained through a relation to a particular Ayurvedic principle: Vegadharan, which means suppression of natural urges.
Our body is a complex and intelligent system that understands the appropriate times and methods by which to operate. Without our conscious involvement it is designed to maintain a balance among all the substances within us and to also extricate the appropriate material out from within us – all in an effort to keep us as healthy as possible.
Ayurveda acknowledges this inner wisdom and encourages us to honor any natural urge that may arise. This means not holding back any need to urinate, defecate, cough, sneeze, fart, burp, vomit, ejaculate, tear, yawn or sleep. Unfortunately, mostly by way of cultural conditioning, many of us withhold these on a regular basis.
To suppress a bodily urge is considered prajnaparadha, or “a crime against wisdom” — the repercussion of which being malady as non-expression results toxic build up and interruption of vital processes. To suppress one’s nature is to create disease.
Likewise, every soul has its own natural urges that when suppressed create dis-ease. When we block our flow, we suffer. This may show itself as despair, anxiety or anger – all of which are ultimately an extension of feeling a lack of fulfillment.
One may also observe that, life, as a mirror, too appears blocked. Our home/family/work life may either feel stagnant, or stuck in chaos.
Why Does this Occur?
There are many internal and external barriers that obstruct our ability to flow fully. At the most basic level, we have to feel safe enough to do so. We often hear the advice to “just be yourself,” but even with this direction, it proves challenging.
Either we fear the criticism (or even punishment) that we may elicit, from ourselves or others.
Or, we don’t know who “ourself” is as we’ve yet to take the time for any reflection, introspection & meditation.
What we can do about it : Creating more safety
At it’s core, a safe environment is one free of judgement. (Being human and a product of our society, to be absolutely free of judgment is a tall order. However, what we can ask for realistically is, to be conscious around it.) A safe environment is also one free of punishment. As punishments are reactions based on judgment, this would inherently be addressed.
We can make an effort to open our minds and shed the conditioning that may be in the way of our authenticity. We can continue to look at what triggers us: what do I have trouble accepting in a person? What are my aversions about and where are their origins?
Finding your practice(s). Painting, yoga, writing, running, tai chi, meditation, swimming, drawing, woodworking etc. To craft a daily, distraction-free ritual is to create a kind of security and intention that together lay the foundation for one’s authentic self to emerge. It’s in this solace and safety that we can make this connection within.
What if…
“I have have present commitments. If I discover that these aren’t inline with my authentic-self, what use is this work?”
Commitment to a job, housing, family, or other relationships can make for sticky transitions when a change in direction is desired. Perhaps this particular situation is beyond changing at the moment, but there is still value in asking the aforementioned questions. Even if we aren’t able to act on what we’d like to right away, the exercise of accessing one’s truth is invaluable. We can then at least move forward with the understanding of why there may be current feelings of dis-ease. And, we can move forward with a newfound ability to connect with oneself, meaning we’ll have different tools for making future decisions.
Even in the midst of a seemingly unchangeable situation, the practice of pursuing one’s authenticity will bend the course of one’s life to one of greater fulfillment — just as the rooted sprout senses the sunlight, it bends to grow itself in a brighter direction.
✪ Like this post? You may also enjoy Guilt or Continuing.
Read MoreFriendship
I look at my younger self and I look at my present self — from some angles I don’t see that I’ve changed at all, and from others, I’m unrecognizably different. Many of the strides I’ve made have come on the training tracks that have been my romantic relationships.
For a period of time I believed that personal growth happened solely while in isolation. I believed that getting closer to God would mean spending more and more time alone. Partly in this pursuit I turned quite reclusive for many years, operating without a steady friend-group, let alone a boyfriend. I gained a lot through this experiment, and also see in retrospect that, I did become quite imbalanced. In the end, I was to some extent, hiding from the world.
I do hold time alone as important for personal development, however I’ve also now come to realize the value an intimate partner has in this regard. They…
- Act as a mirror. All attitudes and behaviors we observe in others also reside in ourselves. It is what we find most bothersome to be around that can point to what we are most ashamed of in our own personalities. A partner’s proximity and consistency will make it hard to escape these traits that we have yet to confront. However, if we seek to live in harmony and to work past what triggers us in another, these must be addressed. Ultimately, we can learn to see ourselves more clearly in the beam of a partner’s reflection.
- Expose you to new perspectives. There are other ways to think about oneself, other ways to approach problems and other ways to behave in the world than what you’ve come to learn. With a partner you get an intimate exhibition of what these might be. As a result, you may develop a more efficient way of doing things, or, their contrast may help to solidify a current process of yours. What a fantastic education!
- Provide opportunities to practice personal growth skills, like giving & receiving; and being vulnerable & trusting. They also challenge you both to stretch your patience and to assert your boundaries. In these ways you’re able to work on your flexibly and strength.
- Keep you accountable. In spending significant time with another, the room to hide diminishes more and more. What you can no longer conceal from someone else, you can no longer conceal from yourself.
As a child many of my days off school were spent in my family’s living room. Nestled in the household favorite chair, draped in our token, ugly crochet blanket, and hugging my teddybear, I’d derive most of my sustenance from day-time TV. TLC ran a series documenting people during particular landmark moments in their lives. Does anyone remember A Makeover Story, Dating Story, A Wedding Story and A Baby Story?
Fascinated by this adult world I remember hearing a common sentiment while watching A Wedding Story. “I’m marrying my best friend!… I’m so in love and it’s just wonderful that I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend.”
By that time I had had best friends and I had had friends who were boys, but never any best friends who were boys. And I certainly couldn’t imagine being as vulnerable as one is with a best friend, with any boy I knew.
“What a concept!” I thought.
Many years later, right as Youtube was emerging, I found myself in a friend’s basement, caught in a black hole of viral video entertainment. One clip featured a woman who, as gross as it sounds, was popping her giant zit while her boyfriend recorded — the both of them shrieking in disgust and laughing at the absurdity.
I know it might sound like a joke to say “#relationshipgoals,” but that was truly my response. Up until that point I’d always made an effort to keep myself just-so around my boyfriends. My outfit had to be flattering, my hair blown-out and my make-up just right. I only wanted them to see the best of me. I couldn’t imagine in a million years how I might privy them to a pimple, let alone an emotional blemish. The idea of sharing my vulnerability with a boyfriend was far beyond me at the time and I came away with the thought that, “I’d like a boyfriend whom I can pop pimples with.” More deeply – I don’t want to censor myself around my partner. I want to share all parts of me, even those I deem as unattractive, and to be met with acceptance. I want someone with whom I can share fully with in all the agonies and amusements of life.
So sometimes now my partner refers to me as his best friend. When this happens I feel my heart just melt. I receive it as one of the highest honors and see it as one of the best things for our relationship.
For all the ways in which we refer to each other, I don’t believe there are any definitions it’s possible to have a consensus on. We each have our own associations and so we each make our own meaning.
To me, many of these labels have never fit quite right. They’re either too foreign or too trite.
- “Boy/girlfriend” seems kind of juvenile, and is certainly too conventional to be personal.
- “Lover” sounds fleeting and solely pheromone driven.
- “Husband/wife” sounds too institutional to represent the magic that is the union of two souls.
“Best friend” though, is something I can more easily grasp.
I do also enjoy “partner” or “soul mate” — and there are times when these feel appropriate — However, there is a simplicity and a sweetness to “best friend” that makes sense, all of the time.
A best friend is…
- A choice that is harvested today, but that is rooted in history.
- Whom to find comfort with and seek honesty from.
- Where there’ll be as much fluidity as stability — as much playfulness as reliability.
A best friend is…
- Whom you find joy in both conversing with and sitting in silence with.
- Whom you want to explore inner and outer worlds with.
- Whom you can imagine doing nothing with and everything with.
They’re who you want to be with when you want to be with someone.
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Read MoreGuilt
How often have you been having a hard time and heard some version of, “You really shouldn’t feel that way. There are starving children in the world and you are complaining over xyz!?” In that moment, how do you feel hearing that? It likely doesn’t help. Rather, it hinders by piling on more discomfort in the form of:
1. Guilt “How is it that I have so much and others aren’t given these same opportunities? I am no more deserving than anyone else, yet I’ve been the recipient of so many gifts.”
2. Self-criticism “Look at my life and all that i have, and I still suffer. Something must be fundamentally wrong with me!”
3. Pressure “I do have more resources than others at my disposal, I better do something amazing with this opportunity!”
This comparative approach is often counterproductive as it fails to address either party’s issue in a timely manor. It also feeds into a separatist mentality, one that is quite common in our culture. (In this mentality, the focus rests on the differences between us and our fellow man, rather than the similarities that hold the potential to unite us.) Lastly, it often leaves the person at hand in an even more distressed emotional state. (Using guilt as a motivator will always bear negative side-effects.)
All feelings are valid.
Remember this for when you are having a hard time.
Remember this for when your friend is having a hard time and you are slipping into judgement with the thought that “They shouldn’t feel this way.”
Whether it’s your…
– teenage sister who is upset after failing a test.
– friend who is dealing with a broken heart.
– child who tears up after breaking their toy.
– colleague who nicked his Ferrari.
– or your spouse who simply feels sad today.
What is present is not to be trivialized or dismissed. Allow for validity of the pain without feeding into it – This isn’t about a pity party, this is about empathy.
On every human path there is suffering. No one is immune – not those of money nor health nor power nor fame.
We may understand this intellectually, but can easily forget it and fall into judgement — evaluating an event or circumstance as to determine where it lands on the worthiness scale. We decide for ourselves and for others, what is the appropriate way to react; what feelings and thoughts are allowed.
This process is a flawed for a couple of reasons. One, because this is an assessment no one has the authority, (nor unbiased perspective,) to make. Secondly, the current event/circumstance may not even be the real reason this feeling has emerged. The mind may just be using the situation as a pretext for outletting a particular emotion.
So cry over the spilt milk. Cry if you feel like crying. Those around will likely judge and say, “Wow, they are overreacting.” Those people wont be able to see how the milk represents the general chaos your life has been. They wont be able to see how present your need is to uncork the many emotions that have been suppressed over the years. (From a parents’ divorce, which brought confusion; a house move, which brought powerlessness; a change of schools, which brought loneliness; and an inability to right yourself since, which brought frustration.)
These tears may very well be rooted in the past. By bringing more awareness to one’s experience we can optimize the effectiveness of this weeping as a discharge of emotion. This can be done by giving the tears a particular meaning; or simply by being open to the release of the sobs (ideally, in a safe space with a supportive individual).
This isn’t about staying in it longer than necessary and it’s also not about repressing what comes up. This is about feeling the feelings fully enough that moving on becomes an option.
Everyone will get gifted in their lifetime. Privilege comes to all.
- Though an obvious example would be through the inheritance of financial wealth, privilege doesn’t always come in the form of money. In fact, from one view, not having money can be seen as a privilege.
I’ve known a number of North Americans who have, upon returning from a trip to a developing country, expressed some condescending and confused version of, “Oh my goodness, I feel so sorry for those people, they have so little! It’s remarkable – they have nothing and yet they are so happy!”
I just imagine one of those “poor” families they are referring to, back in their hut, discussing the unhealthy tourists they’ve been exposed to.
(They themselves are content in their simplicity. They have an understanding of what is important in life — their relationships, art, music, play, spirituality, time in nature. They appreciate how being free from the burden of unnecessary stuff makes nurturing all of these possible.)
And then I imagine them, in all their wisdom, saying something like, “Those poor Americans, they have so much, how could they possibly be happy?”
- Everyone experiences privilege in a different way – Some may be gifted with a high IQ, others with a strong immune system. Some may be born with a nationality that grants them a multitude of freedoms; where others may be born into a simpler life where they aren’t given as many choices, but therefore don’t have the stress of as much decision making. Some may be born with a particular creative talent; others with a particular mental capacity (like resiliency for example).
This isn’t about denying the importance of a global perspective. This is about seeing that pinning realities against one and other in order to make a competition out of suffering fails to serve either party.
When we examine how we converse as a culture we give ourselves the opportunity to question it and to then decide if it’s a dialogue we’d like to perpetuate in & outside of ourselves.
Let’s look at one cliché to demonstrate how we can contradict our word and then remain ignorant the double standards we hold. “Don’t compare yourself to another,” is commonplace advice and yet we use this same approach in trying to shake someone out of their sadness. “You really shouldn’t feel that way. There are starving children in the world and you are complaining over xyz!”
Perhaps an innocent attempt to offer perspective, this message is overshadowed by its subtext, “Your lifestyle doesn’t warrant you sadness… Your experience is lesser-than and therefore unworthy of attention.”
Without ignoring the clear differences that reside over borders of geography, government, culture and race, can we allow space for each individual and the myriad of emotions to which they are entitled?
Practically speaking…
“You really shouldn’t feel that way. there are starving children in the world and you are complaining over xyz!”
Brushing aside one’s pain will not feed that child, it does not alleviate their suffering. Brushing aside one’s pain is not productive in and of itself. If one truly endeavors to be of service in the world, one route there might very well begin with a step in the opposite direction. To hold presence in one’s full experience and to let go into the suffering, is to tap into the suffering of every human on this planet. It is in experiencing one’s own humanness that an emotional and spiritual knowledge is granted – a key for connecting ourselves to others (others who might like our support, like these children).
So what is to be done in the suffering?
1. Refrain from piling on more stories (like this comparative dialogue example). These thoughts often just get in the way of being present to one’s feeling.
2. Feel the feeling. For most this is easier said than done as many fear getting stuck in an uncomfortable state. The only way out is through though and feeling the feeling is the only way it can be processed and then released.
– Getting stuck only occurs when an emotion is suppressed or a false story is fed.
– Naming feelings can be helpful, but be wary of judgement as this is what keeps them trapped. Trapped feelings are set to manifest as dis-ease and/or violence.
3. Certainly, take time to learn about another culture’s reality and to acknowledge one’s own privileges. However, to optimize receptivity of this information, it’s helpful to wait until the suffering has passed.
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Read More
Continuing
I’m not here to act like getting out of bed every day is easy. There are many that I’d rather just cocoon up and wait — wait as long as it takes for my wings to sprout and for them to introduce my best-butterfly-self to the morning. But not every day affords this luxury and sometimes I find myself out in the world as a confused and vulnerable little larva.
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And although I’m fascinated by, I’m not interested in anyone who is pretending that it’s always sunny. What I am interested in is being real and saying it’s hard. It’s hard and I do it anyways.
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Why do I do it?
Maybe it’s because I’m curious… I’m curious to answer all the questions that I have; and I’m curious to hear what new questions I will come to ask.
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Maybe it’s because there is a way the joyous memories of the past cast their light on the future, that i’m drawn forward.
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Maybe it’s because there is a confidence that comes with seeing how the trying times have served to edify. I’ve now carved out my seat for this rewarding role of studentship.
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Maybe it’s because I (and I really do) believe in magic. In the magic that is a kindred spirit; a flash of inspiration; a whisper of intuition; a surprising synchronicity; in the magic that is a moment of pure peace in a day. It’s these unplannable and unexpected drops of light by which I am nourished, that I continue to grow.
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Why do YOU do it?
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Jealousy
As IG is flooded with pics of perfectly positioned poses, it seems like everyone and their mother is a superstar yogi. I am not one of those people.
I am someone who likes the feeling of stretching and someone who appreciates reminders of awareness and deep breathing.
I’m also someone who has more or less sat in admiration of yogis for years, but never taken on a consistent practice myself.
Recently though, I’ve made some regular attendance in a flow class and am already tuning into the myriad of lessons that translate from on to off the mat.
🙇🏼
Especially as social media has us injecting the highlight reels of our peers into the monotonous moments of our daily lives, it’s the unfortunate truth that comparative internal dialogue is commonplace in our culture. “Look at them they are so much more talented, more fit; smarter; better looking; more accomplished; happier; cooler; more confident; more put together; they have more friends than I do…” It seems to be automatic in our society that we size ourselves up against each other, and even to ourselves – comparing our current state to what we perceive was a better version. “I used to be so happy; so successful; so fit; so outgoing; so vibrant; so lean; I used to have everything together.”
😞
In the studio however, we learn that there is no space for this chatter. Setting up for a pose, though we may be surrounded by a flock of more seasoned yogis, all perched steady in their crows and their cranes, it does us no benefit to become distracted by our neighbors.
👀
Intimidation or ego inflation, it will not serve to make comparisons in either direction. What kind of information are you really gathering when the variables are so vast that there could never be a true assessment anyway?
“Wow, they hold their crane pose for a full minute longer than I can!” Well, they may have a particular anatomical advantage that makes this easier to achieve.
“I’m so much more flexible than them!” Well, they may be coming back from an injury. Or, “I’m so much stronger than they are!” Well, they may actually have 10 years experience, but it’s not evident right now because they’ve already done 3 other classes today and are consequently fatigued.
😴
What we learn in the studio is that, like in life, in order to maintain balance, in order to build strength, one cannot become distracted.
If we peek at a neighbor or out the window or get taken by a thought, we’ll surely fall.
IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN BALANCE AND BUILD STRENGTH, the extent of the occupation is… to is focus on the breath, check in with alignment, recall the intention, and relax to deepen.
And when there is pain on the path…
Enjoy the challenge of the work.
Listen to the body.
Trust in the wisdom of your being.
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Food Freedom
It was years that i searched for a truly healthy, sustainable diet. And it was years that I suffered.
I came to low fat raw veganism desperate for a more peaceful relationship with food. Now it is 7.5 years later and i continue to feel grateful for its influence in my life.
Sure, food is not 100% of what it takes to be healthy, but it is certainly a part of it.
If we can take care of this basic need we can alleviate significant stress and free up energy for other mental, emotional, physical and spiritual endeavors. can you imagine what you might do if food became a non-issue in your life?
I’ve put together multiple recipe books to answer the some very common questions. “Just fruits and veggies, what the heck do you eat? doesn’t that get boring?”
I’d love for others to know it is possible – to have meals that are free of guilt and free of addictive qualities; to nourish the body without compromising taste; and to have more ease with their diet.
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Read MoreFuture Unknowns
With an unknown future it’s easy to get caught in complaint.
“Grr… i’m frustrated because i just don’t know…
• What is my career going to be?
• When is the construction on our house going to be complete?
• Am i going to have children?
• Will i find a life partner? where?
• Am i going to find suitable land to purchase?
• What am i going to do when i retire?
• Who will my community be when i move?
• Will this project be successful?
• Which school is going to accept my application?
• When will my immigration visa process be complete?
• Am i going to ever fully recover from this illness?
• When will i be financially independent?
• Will i find my passion? when?”
The thought is that, “I don’t know BLANK. I just don’t know and i want to know and if i only had the answer it would make this moment better.”
But, is there ever pause to appreciate the gift that is the mystery? Aside from the thrilling magic of it all, on a practical level, it’s actually quite helpful to not know one’s future. the truth is, whatever’s next in the timeline is yet to be revealed simply because there is nothing to do about it now.
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Think about if you really did know what the future held — you knew all the todos and happenings lined up for your life — it would be entirely too much!
Imagine this…
You open your inbox and see there are three new messages.
• One is from your friend who is asking a question and would like an answer by Tuesday.
• The next is from your colleague who’d like more information on something. he is needing a response by Wednesday.
• The last is from your sister. She is looking for your opinion and is requesting to hear back from you by Thursday.
A typical reaction would be small-scale overwhelm. “Woah, woah, woah. alright, this is a little too much to handle all at once. I’ve got to prioritize here. I’m not going to touch the Thursday deadline message, or even the Wednesday one right now. I’m just going to focus my efforts on the Tuesday one. I’ll do what I need to do to finish that right now. Really, I almost wish I didn’t know about those other two because having them in the back of my mind is just distracting… It would be a lot easier if they’d only appear in my inbox when they were relevant – the current format is just cluttering my mailbox.
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It may seem as though the guessing you’re doing about your future is distracting enough right now — being granted a guaranteed outline of what’s to come might sound like a welcomed reprieve. However, in reality this wouldn’t be so. The fantastical thoughts you have about the future, though endless in their variety, all remain ethereal. Because you really don’t know how things will play out, these ideas are kept as equally possible as impossible. They drift as thoughts with little substance. conversely, if you were granted the knowledge of all your assured future happenings, though it would be finite, those notions would hold a different constitution. Their certainty would give them weight; and their details, texture. All these intricacies would muddle the mind as they’re be more details than one could know what to do with.
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Imagine this…
You settle into the car for a week long road trip and switch on the navigational system. today you are heading to a friend’s new house located in a part of town you’ve never visited. you merge onto the highway and begin the cruise. the sky is cloudy, traffic is steady and as you make your way out of familiar territory you listen up for the nav’s next aural instruction. a number of exit signs pass you by and curiosity begins to grow. “where am i going?” finally the nav system pipes up.
▸ “Take exit 429 on the right.”
“Great, thank you.”
▸ “Then, turn left onto woodlawn and follow it for 5 miles. Next, make a left onto church street. Stay on it for 0.7 miles, then, turn right onto brant. Follow brant for 1.2 miles. Make a right onto university…”
Cars wiz past and you’re having trouble making your way across the highway lanes in order to get off at the 429 exit.
▸ “Keep on university for 0.8 miles. make a left onto king street. keep right…
A motorcycle races out of your blindspot, swerving in-between you and another vehicle.
▸ “In 24 miles take a right onto cherry st. continue for a mile…”
There is a transport truck in the next lane who is getting a little too close for comfort.
▸ “In 44 miles… in 52 miles… in 58 miles…”
You haven’t yet been able to reach your first exit and the nav system continues to distract you with instruction. You become agitated. “No no no! Why is this device revealing directions that are multiple steps ahead of my current location? I can’t act on those until i arrive there anyway. I need only to focus on what is taking place right now. Knowing the details about these future steps is not only unnecessary, but confusing – all it does is divert my attention from what i need to do to take care of myself in this moment.”
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The universe’s current system is set up in your favor. With pleasure or pain, not being granted the full knowledge of what lies ahead is always in your best interest.
Coming upon that panoramic view of the nature reserve is more beautiful if you don’t see it in the guide book first. The punchline in that movie is funnier if you don’t hear it in the trailer first.
There have been times in my life, I’ll poetically name as “shit storms.” In retrospect i am glad to have not known of their existence on my horizon. If i had known that much pain and confusion and anxiety were around the corner, that suffering would’ve only leaked into the present in the form of fretful anticipation. It would have taken away from the enjoyment and education I was receiving during those times leading up to the storm. There was nothing more for me to be doing during those times than what i was already doing by being present to the feelings and teachings of my day-to-day. Really there is no sidestepping the future, so there is no useful application of it’s whatabouts.
Similarly…
I can recall a number of instances as a child where my doctors required me to take a flu shot. The times where i was told in advance, I would only agonize about the upcoming clinic visit, Friday at 4pm. The two seconds of pain had swollen into a prior week’s worth of anticipation. The times i was told the day of, I would again allow the experience to swell. The many hours leading up to it I’d be walking around with a visceral chagrin.
In both cases, the mere two seconds of actual physical pain had dilated in the shadow cast by the unnecessary introduction of their future “knownness.” Funny to me because if i had the chance to experience the feeling of the injection in isolation — say, if i had happened upon a sensation akin to that of a needle prick, and in a scenario where i could have avoided the anticipation of it (if i was bit by a bug for instance, or if i had brushed past a spiky tree during a nature walk) — it would likely go unnoticed. In the least, it would be much easier to handle.
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It is a gift not to have all of the answers in this moment – to have the space of now kept as clutter-free as one can allow.
Ultimately, not being distracted by the future’s details will mean more ease in in experiencing whatever is currently happening around & within oneself. The perfection is that – what you are experiencing right now is your personalized primer for what is to come. So, the best thing you can do to prepare for the future is to fully immerse yourself in the training that is this moment.
The best thing you can do is trust that you always have sufficient information. You’ll always know just enough to make the next step.
• I know it’s not daytime but your vehicle’s headlights will show you just enough of your surrounding area to maintain your safety, to keep you going. (really, if you had the whole road in illumination, it’d be superfluous. you’d still only be able to drive it one meter at a time!)
• I know you don’t have the whole loaf, but follow the bread crumbs. each bite will be satisfaction enough until the next one. (really, even if you had the whole loaf, you’d only be able to eat it one bite at a time anyway!)
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