Depressed, Tired & Hopeless
When we’re in the darkness of depression, where is the light? When we’re as fatigued as can be, where is there energy? Amazingly, there is an antidote to hopelessness that will provide nourishment even when the world seems bare.
I have had times where I’ve felt quite depressed and hopeless. Where I’ve felt tired from life and from myself. I was fortunate enough, while in this space, to have a conversation with a particular friend. His advice was probably the best I could ever have received while being in that state.
He first listened what was going on for me — That I felt down, that I lacked inspiration, motivation, and passion. I remember saying, “I don’t feel excited about anything and it’s been a long time since I have.”
It was lovely how he just heard what I had to share and accepted that this was all true for me. He didn’t judge me or try and cheer me up or encourage me to change anything. He wasn’t interested in me forcing anything inauthentic.
What he left me with at the end of our talk was a little assignment. He said, “Do me a favor Kat and, just notice. Before we talk again, just notice if there is any moment, no matter how small, that you DO feel excited. That’s it.”
“That’s cute, and I’ll do it, but I promise you that I wont have anything to report. I mean, I’d like to, but I couldn't possibly imagine what would be on that list. I’m in a sea of absolute depression, moments of joy/curiosity/excitement are nonexistent in my world. In fact it’s been so long since any of those have been present, that I’m feeling somewhat apathetic and pretty hopeless about the future.”
To humor him I stuck to my word and told myself I’d flag any spark of happiness or interest or excitement that I felt in the coming weeks. Again, this exercise was not about changing anything, it was simply about awareness.
In our next conversation I surprised myself by actually having something to share! I observed that I did in fact experienced moments of excitement/satisfaction/ease which had previously gone unnoticed and underappreicated. The moments were small but they were real.
I love this assignment because of how doable it is. It’s not about going in a different direction or being anyone but yourself or even searching to uncover anything new. It’s simply about awareness. And what comes of it is so interesting. What comes of it naturally, is a new perspective. Especially in depression we can convince ourselves that life is a certain way. The black cloud seems to shade out all the sunlight. But, in paying attention I happened upon some beams. And when I maintained my gaze, slowly slowly, the clouds began to clear.After our second conversation I kept it up. I started noticing more and my list continued to grow:
What an exercise like this allows us to do is adapt our false stories. Because
In awareness we find truth.
I thought there was an absence of joy in my life, I told myself there was an absence of joy in my life, but this was simply not the case. There were tiny moments of it. There were seeds of excitement.
Know the power of your attention, because, for better or worse, your attention is like a watering can. What you water will grow.
I do want to say that this process of moving toward more optimism was slow for me. This is not necessarily a quick fix, but this practice is extremely effective and is easy to incorporate. It really helped me gain some traction on life, feel more empowered and just generally brighter.
It’s not about fake it till you make it, which isn’t a bad approach in some cases. This strategy however is about finding genuine seeds of joy and allowing our attention to act as water, our acknowledgement as sunshine.
Again, it’s not about changing anything - forcing something inauthentic. It is simply about awareness. And what comes from that is a rewriting of old, false stories.
So, my challenge to you this week is to try this out for yourself! There is no agenda to change anything, no fixing that needs to happen. Go about your daily life, and just notice.